Trying not to Drown
by Olitz1600
Summary: Set after 5x12. Olivia needs to see Fitz after she discovers he is sleeping around.
**Just something that has been on my mind since 5x12. First fanfiction. Be gentle sweet fandom. Disclaimer: I don't own Scandal or any of these characters.**

She couldn't breathe anymore. Her once regulated, healthy breaths had become increasingly difficult to take. The cause of her pain was a man who was currently occupied with someone else. According to Abby, there had been more than one plaything these past few weeks. At first, she hadn't wanted to know, but after a few days of Abby calling her in distress and saying nothing to spare her feelings, she caved. She let Abby inform her of his recent activities. She tried to mask her hurt with exercise and work, but it was getting hard to breathe. They hadn't spoken in over six months and now…now she had never been more sure that he was the love of her life. She missed him. She missed his goofy smile. She missed making love to him. She missed his hands. Oh…his hands. They had always made her feel safe. After her kidnapping, she had longed for his large, gentle hands to comfort her. Those months that she had spent in the residence had spoiled her. Now all she had was the rough, unforgiving touch of Jake. Comparing Fitz and Jake was like comparing night and day. With Fitz she was always alive and awake and Jake always pulled her into a darkness that she so desperately didn't want to be in.

What had she done? What was she thinking when she had left? She had been so scared at the time. Her fear, combined with the anger she had felt towards him for caging her like an animal, had caused her to snap. The more she thought about Fitz screwing another woman the more her sadness turned into anger. How dare he move on as if they had never held each other's hearts. BUT…she had broken his heart. She had been screwing Jake for years while also loving Fitz. Still, her anger towards him became so overwhelming that she found herself calling Abby and begging her to sneak her into the Oval.

"He has company right now Liv."

"Good. Even better. I can catch him in a disgusting act. I don't care what you say, just get him downstairs...Please Abby, I need to see him", she begged.

"He's gonna kill me when he finds out it's you Liv."

Being inside the Oval again after all this time, only proved to make her more emotional. All of the intimacies they had shared over the years. All of the love… She began to rethink her decision to come here. She let her emotions get the best of her. She should leave. He would never even know she had been here.

"Ugh, this was so stupid. I'm leaving." She turned around to leave and…

"Olivia."

She paused with her hand on the door. She could feel his stare on the back of her neck. His presence momentarily caused her body to release a load of tension she had not realized had been there.

"Olivia. Why are you here?"

She turned around. The first thing she noticed were his eyes. They were tired, and although his appearance suggested to her that he had either been screwing someone or running a marathon, she could tell his exhaustion stemmed from something entirely different. His expression was pained. She felt guilty for adding to his stress. She couldn't help but stare at the man before her. Six months without him made this moment feel like coming up for air.

"OLIVIA", he yelled.

"Why are you yelling? I should be the one yelling at you!"

"I haven't seen or heard from you in six months and honestly, you showing up right now is completely inappropriate, so unless you are here to solve a crisis I don't know about, I'm going back to bed to…

"finish fucking some whore", she interjected.

His expression turned into anger.

"What Fitz? You thought I wouldn't find out? What are you thinking screwing half of Washington? You are going to ruin your legacy!"

He paused and his face was once again pained.

"How dare you Olivia", he whispered. "How dare you show up here after so long and think you have a say in who I'm fucking. You stopped having a say the minute you walked out of this house six months ago!"

"Fitz, we decided mutually to end our romantic relationship. That doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. That doesn't mean I want to see you make such awful choices."

"You have no right to be jealous. Like I said, YOU LEFT ME."

"Stop acting like I left all on my own, because…"

"But you did Olivia. YOU decided. All I ever wanted was you. You didn't want me…you never did."

"Fitz, how could you say that to me? You know my heart; don't act like you don't. I've never wanted someone so much as I want you."

"WANT me? You don't want me. How could you want me when you're making love to another man across town?"

Her face twisted in shock. Making love? She hadn't made love to anyone in her life except Fitz. She didn't know what making love was until him and she had resigned herself to the fact that she would never find it after him.

"Oh…do you think I'm stupid? I can see Jake all over you Olivia. I can tell he's touched you and your face just now only confirmed what I already knew to be true."

"You are screwing more than one person right now Fitz! You have no right to judge me! She's upstairs as we speak!"

"She left right before you got here and that's different. I'm only fucking people I don't care about. It's been MY way to survive you leaving me Olivia!"

She began to feel lightheaded. Although she was so angry with him, his close proximity was clouding her senses.

"Okay! Okay! Can we just stop yelling for a minute? And can you please stop calling me Olivia?"

"That's your name isn't it", he retorted.

She stilled. Her breathing began to even out. Her pulse slowed down to a beating thump.

"What did you tell me the night I came to you on the Truman Balcony?"

He stilled. His eyes began to water and his lip quivered, memories from that beautiful night threatening to send him over the edge of despair.

"I don't know. Just please leave."

She took a step toward him. He took a step back.

"Fitz, I know I hurt you and I know you're angry, but please be with me right now. Please remember our love."

Momentarily distracted by her gaze, she took the opportunity to join their bodies together in an almost hug. He wrapped his arms around her waist and she laid her head on his chest. She was home.

"Please don't continue to sleep with so many women. I understand if you want to move on, but I want you safe and I want your legacy intact when you leave office in a few months. I want you happy and not distracting your heartbreak with a cheap lay. Please Fitz, I don't want you to break. I don't want you to break like I broke us."

He grabbed her shoulders and looked into her eyes.

"I'm already broken", he whispered in a moment of temporary honesty.

She nuzzled her nose to his and ran her fingers through his curls.

"I'm so sorry Fitz. I'm so sorry for hurting you."

She looked into his eyes and her body completely relaxed as his eyes welled with tears. She couldn't help herself. She slowly leaned in and captured his lips in a kiss. After so many months she had began to rely on memories of his healing kisses to make it through her days and now, finally kissing him was indescribable. She nipped at his bottom lip and sucked her tongue into his mouth. She ran her hands down his chest and…his belt was unbuckled. She pushed him off of her and stumbled backwards. He was just with someone else. He was trying to move on. So was she.

"We shouldn't have done that. I have to go. I'll let you get back to your night. Just think about what I said." She quickly turned on her heels and scurried toward the door.

"Livvie wait!"

At the sound of the name she was called only by Fitz, she stopped with her back facing him.

"That night on the Truman Balcony, I told you I would never love another woman the way I love you. I told you that you would be my Livvie for the rest of our lives. I told you that I would go to the ends of the Earth to earn and keep your love".

She whimpered as tears ran down her cheeks.

"I will still go to the ends of the Earth Livvie. Can you please stay and talk?"

She sobbed into her hands and slumped over. How could they ever be together again? He would never forgive her for the abortion. She had destroyed their future.

"I'm sorry Fitz. I'm so sorry." She quickly opened the door and scurried out of the Oval.

 _"_ _There's a loneliness that only exists in one's mind. The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is blink."_

 _―_ _F. Scott Fitzgerald_


End file.
